I Feel SO Guilty. - My Breastfeeding Journey

Today is the last day of World Breastfeeding Week. 

I have breastfed both of my babies. 

But I didn't feel like I was worthy of sharing my journey with all the other Mamas this week... because I still feel guilt. 

I chose to stop breastfeeding my babies at 3 months and 4 months. 

Both of them had lost interest, and I really didnt want to exclusively pump. 

I know I made the right decision for myself and my babies, because they need a mentally stable mom just as much as they need food. 

But even so, I feel shame. 

So many women cant breastfeed, and I chose to stop... 

When I had delivered Orin, I was pretty much told that breastfeeding was the only option in that hospital. Which was fine because I was looking forward to it! 

Once he was born, my milk hadn't come in. Fun fact: my milk came in about a week later. But when it wasn't, the nurses made me feel like it was my fault. Orin had lost quite a bit of weight, and we were given donor milk. I was pumping for 30 minutes then feeding him then pumping... he was barely even a day old.

I was miserable, from my own healing, I was beyond exhausted, and I was being treated like I was starving my newborn baby.

When my mom had my brother and myself, there wasn't really any advocacy for breastfeeding and a huge lack of education. So there wasn't much of an experience for her to be able to share with me. Same with every other woman in my family. 

I was on my own, with only what I had pinned on Pinterest during my pregnancy. 

Orin had a tongue and lip tie, and once that was corrected about 2 weeks later it totally changed breastfeeding for us. 

His first pediatrician appointment was 4 days after he was born.. it felt like weeks. His Doctor was amazing. She assured me that I was doing well, and that my milk would more than likely come in that weekend. 

Even after it did, and Orin's tongue tie was clipped, he wasn't eating enough. I pumped so much, so often.. my boobs were overproducing and I was spending so much time feeding and pumping that I couldn't keep up with any normal chores. 

Finally, after almost 2 months with the lactation consultant, I agreed with her and the pediatrician to supplement Orin with formula. 

He got to the point that drinking from a bottle gave him more milk and quicker than he could get from me... so he just lost interest. 

I was tired of pumping and honestly it was kind of traumatic for me!

 The hospital I delivered Kalia at, was a completely different experience. I was told if I wanted to latch her once she was earth side they would help me. If I didn't want to, that was totally fine and they would provide us with a bottle and formula. Having the option to make that decision was beautiful. 

Kalia latched on like a freaking pro. It was amazing. We had no problems breastfeeding at all. 

When we got home, we found out she had MCADD. She also lost quite a bit of her weight. So, we were to supplement her until she gained it back. 

Then Zac and Orin got Influenza. My breast milk kept her safe through the Tamiflu I took preventatively. A month or so after that, we all got the stomach flu that was going around... except her. 

However, me getting sick put me out for a day because I ended up in the ER.. they gave me phenergan in my IV. That all plus being dehydrated messed with my supply. I got it back up, and about a month later she started losing interest. 

With her MCADD, she HAS to eat. Especially in a certain amount of time. Sometimes, there's not time to try to get her to latch and drink. And then if you add a needy toddler and 4 chiweenies into the mix..

If you've been following along on Instagram for a bit, then you know my anxiety massively flared up at that point. 

Your hormones change a lot when you stop breastfeeding and we need to bring more awareness to that. It definitely added to postpartum anxiety I already had! 

So, now Kalia drinks formula from a bottle on demand / every 4.5 hours no longer. She also got cleared to start trying mushed veggies!

Orin drinks coconut milk, almond milk, banana milk, while milk.. water, juice.. he eats real food too. What we eat, for the most part 

This is MY breastfeeding journey. I AM WORTHY of sharing my story. It is no less important than any other Mama's journey. We are in this together. We are strong. 

Just writing this out, I feel empowered. Emotional. Strong. Brave. A little nervous. 

My mantras for this:

I no longer believe the story that I have failed. I did my best, and what was best for my little family. It is not shameful to do what's best for me. My children are thriving and HAPPY. I am thriving and HAPPY. Guilt has no place here. 

Tell me about YOUR journey.